(un)mesmerized

Lost in the lies
And the spark of your eyes
I failed to realize that you were never the prize
but something of my reprive and I despise the drive that led me to chase
That led me to fantasize
and to waste..
My life on hope

And when I’m finally ready to let go
Ready to be set free
You tip-toe candidly
like the gentle flicker of the flame in my heart that has died down to a kindle
with words, “We were meant to be,”
but with subtext that read
“Only momentarily…”
That I glazed over in the bliss of your essence
you finally fed me your attention, gave me your pressence
I’m in HEAVEN!
But not after long would it die down to neglection,
and it took me too long to realize that your love is only an infection.

I was caught in a cycle of give and take
but my heart was never yours to break
and it was my MISTAKE
for letting you in..
when deep down I knew exactly the intentions you held within.

Sometimes when it’s been so long since you’ve loved,
you figure that the highs and lows are similar to a drug,
and its a rite of passage we must all trudge through
to get to that happy ending we were meant to.
But alas,

I’m over you.

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it feels like..

It’s a fight you can only stand up against if you’re ready. Sometimes, you’re not even ready. You sleep on it, fumble with the idea. but you’re just not quite ready to be finished with chasing that thrill. Who is? It never stops feeding some sort of satisfaction, but you’re just quite tired of your actions. you’ve grown quite weary..of the lies. and the apologies.

Change is happening, in a slow, insecure, way. and often change comes just like that, life has shown me. I’ve had to learn that making change often doesn’t feel like paving the way. But more like turning left at the intersection instead of right, and making that a permanent fixture in your journey.

abuse

hold me tight.
never let go.
suffocate me right–
until my body goes cold.
may your warm bones give me releif
from all of your meticulous mental greif.
Build me a new home
in the deceitful lies you throw.
Kiss me when I try to leave
yet plead for my love on the phone.
call me weak when I weep;
abuse is all I’ve ever known.

Jan 20, 2017

I slept all daybecause I care about myself
I slept all day
because I value my internal wealth
catch me any day of the week
shouting.
and.
screaming.
But today I have relaxed my nerves
I’ll need them for what has yet to emerge
I wasn’t at no woman’s march 
those things have never been for me
women’s movement have always been a pedistal for feminine white supremacy.
I don’t have time for well meaning allies;
holding my arms, calling me strong while they cry.
My blackness — supposedly an impenetrable armor.
meant to shield people from knowing that sometimes I want to die.
I must be ornamental yet uphold our men-
and hold my chagrin from their disdainful side eye.
When I speak,
I’m angry.
When I’m silent,
I’m weak
I don’t feel like it today;
I’m 
going.
back.
to.
sleep.

freedom isn’t what you give me

I carry anger from the blood that flows within me;

I carry anger from my ancestors who kept quiet so their children could breathe

I’m full of generations of rage

My blood

Forcibly nomadic

Yet still in a cage

We are from the land of the sun and stars

Deceitful people who laid the foundation for how we live today tore us apart

We weeped crossing the sea to an unsure destiny

They try to say our people owned people in their same cruel ways

But what they left out is that we never kept our brethren slaves until the end of days.. 

we didn’t brutalize people in these dehumanizing ways

The mental circus, the linguistic maze they would go through just to save their face.
My blood from the sea was carried south

From the land of the sun to dying in drought

Not from lack of water

But from the relentless heat

While we built this nation with our bare feet

But remaining calm so maybe our children will make it out
One day they’ll say

“You’re free”

Get the hell out of this place

Because you’re no longer beneficial to me
From the south to the snow, my blood would go

Trying to chase what little they could salvage, 

and escape Jim Crowe
They said we could build our lives because now we have this chance

Despite locking us up and enslaving us, under a new lance

And insisting time and time again that separate is equal
We rose, we spoke; 

We marched, we choked

None of that was good enough for you white folk

We got organized, to make ourselves free

Feeding our youth, providing our own industries

We picked up guns

Put your asses on the run
You came back with laws

And infiltrated us with drugs

At night you came in the hoods

And when we made our own riches

You left our homes smoldered in the mud.
You say it’s over now.

That its all good

I carry the rage from 300 years

Is that not understood

 

Our very society has been made from this mess

But you come and cherry pick what’s been left

Sure, we set the standard of capital and industry

But don’t leave out the standard of how you view me

I carry the rage that’s been handed down my blood

I carry the rage from living in a land that’s never given us love

How can I be free

If that’s what someone has to tell me?