too stressed to rest, I’d realize as I got undressed.
your eyes, never quite impressed but you’ll settle for second best, I guess. forever searching for what’s next to digest the regret that you never actually address.
At once I feel whole and anew.
At once I feel like everything that I thought I once knew.
Its been a feeling that’s been hard to come by when youre scrambling to piece together the crumbles of what you once called your life.
But this is pivotal.
A blank slate; tablua rasa; a take-two.
I can only imagine the things I am capable to do
That’s been the theme of my journey.
The single word mantra I’ve chanted to myself whenever I’ve been in a worry.
It’s a strange thing.
Because it never feels direct.
Just go with the flow and see what life brings you next.
Yet, it seems, all my wishes come true..
But what they don’t tell you is that your wishes dont complete you.
theres a sadness welling inside of me that disguises itself as apathy.
I always remember that I can never truly trust.
every ounce of unabashed love I’ve ever harbored has begun to rust.
I’m covered in dust that I brush off by laughter, but I’m unable to reach the ever-darkening corners in the room that is my consciousness.. that continues to spread as if it were mold. It eats at me gradually, leaving a residual pain accompanied with every fond memory.
is it maniacal laughter or an attempt to stuff away the pain?
Is it silliness or is it an escape?
I slept all daybecause I care about myself
I slept all day
because I value my internal wealth
catch me any day of the week
But today I have relaxed my nerves
I’ll need them for what has yet to emerge
I wasn’t at no woman’s march
those things have never been for me
women’s movement have always been a pedistal for feminine white supremacy.
I don’t have time for well meaning allies;
holding my arms, calling me strong while they cry.
My blackness — supposedly an impenetrable armor.
meant to shield people from knowing that sometimes I want to die.
I must be ornamental yet uphold our men-
and hold my chagrin from their disdainful side eye.
When I speak,
When I’m silent,
I don’t feel like it today;