turning pages

Someone could be a chapter in your life while you’re a footnote in theirs. It’s nothing to feel hurt or weak about, it’s purely a projection of how they undervalued you, took you for granted, and speaks largely about their character. You are worth the world, and if you felt strongly enough for someone to make an imprint in your life, they are too emotionally inept to understand how you truly fit into theirs.

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(un)mesmerized

Lost in the lies
And the spark of your eyes
I failed to realize that you were never the prize
but something of my reprive and I despise the drive that led me to chase
That led me to fantasize
and to waste..
My life on hope

And when I’m finally ready to let go
Ready to be set free
You tip-toe candidly
like the gentle flicker of the flame in my heart that has died down to a kindle
with words, “We were meant to be,”
but with subtext that read
“Only momentarily…”
That I glazed over in the bliss of your essence
you finally fed me your attention, gave me your pressence
I’m in HEAVEN!
But not after long would it die down to neglection,
and it took me too long to realize that your love is only an infection.

I was caught in a cycle of give and take
but my heart was never yours to break
and it was my MISTAKE
for letting you in..
when deep down I knew exactly the intentions you held within.

Sometimes when it’s been so long since you’ve loved,
you figure that the highs and lows are similar to a drug,
and its a rite of passage we must all trudge through
to get to that happy ending we were meant to.
But alas,

I’m over you.

it feels like..

It’s a fight you can only stand up against if you’re ready. Sometimes, you’re not even ready. You sleep on it, fumble with the idea. but you’re just not quite ready to be finished with chasing that thrill. Who is? It never stops feeding some sort of satisfaction, but you’re just quite tired of your actions. you’ve grown quite weary..of the lies. and the apologies.

Change is happening, in a slow, insecure, way. and often change comes just like that, life has shown me. I’ve had to learn that making change often doesn’t feel like paving the way. But more like turning left at the intersection instead of right, and making that a permanent fixture in your journey.

bonjour

My friend is going on a foreign exchange trip to France. I told her to have fun and that’s amazing, and speculated that if I were to go to France, id make hundreds of tiny flyers with a picture of a baguette on it that read hello, and silently smile and bow at passerby on the street as I handed this to them.

She responded, “They probably wouldn’t find that funny,”

Minutes later, after she returned to her work I tapped her on the shoulder, smiled, bowed and handed her this.

why must it be up to me to make men better people?

I’m tired of making men better people.

I can honestly say that every guy who I’ve dated has improved in some form or way because of having been involved with me.

The interesting thing about that is that I’m not alone. Women, and people who identify as feminine are always handed the brunt of emotional labor to sort out for men. It’s an expectation that’s not respected  and rarely compensated.

I’ve been with boys who I find are mildly interesting, a little problematic but with good intentions, and prodded them with  conversations about just being a better human, maybe examining casual sexist behavior, or even being the sounding board for the emotions that they have never learned to process. In relationships, it often feels like I have a romantic partner.. that I also happen to work as their therapist.

Little things that happen tend to add up, and when you’re constantly giving, guiding, counseling, yet not being listened to, or even worse, accused of nagging, an outburst of frustration is bound to happen.

I find myself constantly validating and pandering my words and vocal tone such as to not offend men. It comes out in the most frustrating  ways, too. For instance, my boyfriend cooked me a meal as a valentine’s day gift, yet he made it with bacon, and I have been vocal about how I don’t eat bacon. To be nice, I tried to eat as much as I can, and when confronting him, I apologized for not eating bacon, but also asked him if he was aware. Spoiler alert, he was.  Emotionally coddling someone as I’ve been taught is tiring. It’s also a learned trait from not only culture, but from safety. Unprocessed emotions lead to explosions that can be violent. Men not taking on the task of emotional labor for themselves negatively affect themselves and everyone around them.

It is of utmost importance that men start deconstructing the ideas of masculinity that has been traditionally instilled in our society, and stop it from being a tool to measure self-worth. It’s important that men start finding the resources, the communities to challenge toxic behaviors and to grow from it.