bonjour

My friend is going on a foreign exchange trip to France. I told her to have fun and that’s amazing, and speculated that if I were to go to France, id make hundreds of tiny flyers with a picture of a baguette on it that read hello, and silently smile and bow at passerby on the street as I handed this to them.

She responded, “They probably wouldn’t find that funny,”

Minutes later, after she returned to her work I tapped her on the shoulder, smiled, bowed and handed her this.

why must it be up to me to make men better people?

I’m tired of making men better people.

I can honestly say that every guy who I’ve dated has improved in some form or way because of having been involved with me.

The interesting thing about that is that I’m not alone. Women, and people who identify as feminine are always handed the brunt of emotional labor to sort out for men. It’s an expectation that’s not respected  and rarely compensated.

I’ve been with boys who I find are mildly interesting, a little problematic but with good intentions, and prodded them with  conversations about just being a better human, maybe examining casual sexist behavior, or even being the sounding board for the emotions that they have never learned to process. In relationships, it often feels like I have a romantic partner.. that I also happen to work as their therapist.

Little things that happen tend to add up, and when you’re constantly giving, guiding, counseling, yet not being listened to, or even worse, accused of nagging, an outburst of frustration is bound to happen.

I find myself constantly validating and pandering my words and vocal tone such as to not offend men. It comes out in the most frustrating  ways, too. For instance, my boyfriend cooked me a meal as a valentine’s day gift, yet he made it with bacon, and I have been vocal about how I don’t eat bacon. To be nice, I tried to eat as much as I can, and when confronting him, I apologized for not eating bacon, but also asked him if he was aware. Spoiler alert, he was.  Emotionally coddling someone as I’ve been taught is tiring. It’s also a learned trait from not only culture, but from safety. Unprocessed emotions lead to explosions that can be violent. Men not taking on the task of emotional labor for themselves negatively affect themselves and everyone around them.

It is of utmost importance that men start deconstructing the ideas of masculinity that has been traditionally instilled in our society, and stop it from being a tool to measure self-worth. It’s important that men start finding the resources, the communities to challenge toxic behaviors and to grow from it.

abuse

hold me tight.
never let go.
suffocate me right–
until my body goes cold.
may your warm bones give me releif
from all of your meticulous mental greif.
Build me a new home
in the deceitful lies you throw.
Kiss me when I try to leave
yet plead for my love on the phone.
call me weak when I weep;
abuse is all I’ve ever known.

Jan 20, 2017

I slept all daybecause I care about myself
I slept all day
because I value my internal wealth
catch me any day of the week
shouting.
and.
screaming.
But today I have relaxed my nerves
I’ll need them for what has yet to emerge
I wasn’t at no woman’s march 
those things have never been for me
women’s movement have always been a pedistal for feminine white supremacy.
I don’t have time for well meaning allies;
holding my arms, calling me strong while they cry.
My blackness — supposedly an impenetrable armor.
meant to shield people from knowing that sometimes I want to die.
I must be ornamental yet uphold our men-
and hold my chagrin from their disdainful side eye.
When I speak,
I’m angry.
When I’m silent,
I’m weak
I don’t feel like it today;
I’m 
going.
back.
to.
sleep.